Let me tell you a story.
The week had been severely cold and mean spirited thus far. With each stroke of the hour hand time got harder and harder, almost heavy enough to hold as it hung in the air. And with a tickled throat, a panicked heart and a head full of mind numbing noise I stumbled into a day of complete destruction of self. I had been looking forward to it for days! An excuse to start my evil ways before the moon! Glorious! Droplets of savory sweet liquid swimming round my tongue, sliding into my belly, racing through my blood! Oh! The intensity of liquor in your head while the sun is high in the sky is a wonderful thing! I indulged, of course, knowing the sun slowly fades into nigh.
Greg set fire to his joint on the walk back from class. He smoked half of it, then passed it to me as we chatted mindlessly. My mind was reeling, and I wasn't prepared for the day, even though I had prayed for it during my fever crazy stupors. We got home, I drank a beer. I put on loud music and rocked on the porch, getting drunk on the substance. and the piercing rays of sun. Like lemonade for the skin, a sweet, most succulent juice.
I was alone for awhile. Greg had gone to class again, and Danielle was on her way over. She arrived wearing green holding an extremely large bottle of Belvedere, dyed green to match. We took 2 shots, I finished the rest of my second beer and this begun my day of complete and total obliteration. I was not afraid to die. It was 3:00 pm.
At Dereks, after my first carbomb and several more shots of absinthe, vodka, more bitter worry, we played in the front yard like tumbling just born kittens. Oh, my sundress exposed my pale chest to the sun and it warmed my slow heart. The drinks were my guide now, and the heart is just a silent, cold planet spinning like a lonely rock in an empty space.
Its at this point that I last remember having solid thoughts. Say goodbye to Emily. Say hello to this nothing girl.
It was something like 4 or 5:00.
My face probably hurt I was laughing and smiling so much. We went to Homegrown, somehow. I don't remember walking. Or driving, but I guess we did one of those. Bought Ryan and myself a beer and went to bask in the drunken glory of Newark on a drinking holiday. It's a loving community in the daylight. Anger takes shape as whiskey when night comes. Andy and Dave were there. I drunkenly harassed them, I'm sure. And I think Jack's work friend Rachel was there. My heart squeezed up tight for a second until I swallowed a gulp of liquid help.
Kildaires and dancing next. There was an Irish band playing their little Irish jigs and we (Danielle, Mara, Sarah, Jan, Jason? and I) were dancing like little drunken idiots on St. Patties Day in a bar, but at that point the world outside of that bar didn't exist. The night had blacked out the windows, and for all I know we could have been surrounded by miles of rock, nestled deep inside the earth.
More drinking (of course). Another carbomb! Some other things. Who knows how long we were there for? My brain felt layered on top of. The most bottom, moist layer was soaking now. It dripped, dripppeddddd.
I remember being at Grottos. I think we were eating pizza and trying to get kicked out by throwing plates and wet napkins at some girls sitting in the booth next to us. This morning I discovered that I had stolen an air hockey paddle, but still had not got kicked out.
Then I think we went to my place to smoke. I don't really know if that's why, or if I smoked. I am told i began destroying things. This seems to be a new trend with me: Get really drunk, try to break important things. Hmmm.
I changed out of my sundress at this point. I think I remember that my boobs were poppin fresh, if you know what I mean. I don't care, I just think people don't want to look at my boobs all the time. And thats ok, I guess.
Drawings all over my arms and face. Apparently, I turned myself into a clown. I remember sort of. Red circle for a nose, blue eye lashes. Other strange marks. I jumped around a lot and threw my phone against the wall several times. I should have stopped drinking at this point. Believe me, if I could remember everything that I drank yesterday, I would mention it. But after homegrown, the number is too large to count. Tunnels were dug deep into the dark corners of my mind. They became potential graves for whenever i should decide to just lay down and die.
I believe we went to Church st next. I think i was too drunk to be there. There were a lot of people that hadn't been drinking since 3pm, so I felt a little out of place walking in with marker all over my face. I was doing back bends and splits. I must have been in a very circus themed state of mind. My boobs were still poppin fresh ...
I kissed several people (despite the fact that i was sick! bad!), put Conor to bed, held a strange conversation with Jan. Asking if I wanted to leave. Oh my, what were we talking about? All I wanted was my rosary beads, like I had intended to wear all night. And i was right. I definitely needed Jesus. He just doesn't need me.
YOU GET THE IDEA
I woke up this morning next to Andrew and wanted to kill myself because I'm such a lazy bitch and didn't do anything I needed to do today. And I care. I care too much! I laid in bed, tossing and turning, groaning and holding my yucky tummy cursing myself for letting this happen. I don't want to care about these stupid classes. I just want to pass them, get the fuck out and never come back.
God, help me!
