MindFudge

I like him a lot.
but im not supposed to like. now. not now.

jack and i have been broken up for only 3 weeks, but in reality it's been much longer. He moved out half way through January, and the love dried up. I only wished to have some control over our parting. I think that's why it hurt so much at the time. It was actually happening, and I thought it would all along, but he told me to be optimistic. And then he dropped me flat on the concrete. I put my faith in him and he betrayed me. Oh, but he didn't mean it. god.

anyway. Sam. I've known him for 3 years or something ... we had only talked on aim until recently, since he lives down south quite a bit in Laurel Delaware. But he works up here and we've hung out a few times. He is wonderful. Absolutely wonderful and good natured. He reminds me a lot of Ian, but without the whiney, lame parts.

He plays in a band and last night he was doing a show down south, so Dorothy and I drove the hour and 45 minutes to see him play in this very strange bar. He plays bass and drums (which is extremely hot. They're my favorite instruments) and he's very hot and cute and ohh.

i dont know what im doing!!!!!!!!!

Im not in love with Jack, and I'm finally seeing that it was good for it to end now, really. But i miss him. him, not just the things that come with a boyfriend, but him as a person. i miss.

so i have to be careful. am i just filling the hole? or do i really like this boy?

i really think the latter. i liked him 3 years ago, but i wasnt single. and he lived kinda far .. and then randomly we decided to start hanging out ... and things have gotten more involved. I stayed with him last night at his house, and it was so good. he was so good. everything was really good, and im not used to it. I feel like im revisiting past memories of romantic bliss but now with a new face. its all new, and jack is nowhere to be found. this puts me at ease in a way ...
but i do not know my thoughts as well as i would like ...

they are wound up tight, in a big knot. the core lays inside, an enigma. i cannot see it and it does not speak to me.

I am taking this slowly. taking it all in as slowly as possible, but i feel my momentum is not quite back to normal. I feel hurdled forward like a crash test dummy, and my body is hanging in limbo waiting for the fallback. Waiting for either the crushing pain or the release of this extreme thrust.

I dont know.
its all so strange, but familiar. ive gone through this before, and though its distant I remember this period. its a very distinct time where all you can think about is desperation ... constant wild, frantic movements. I've dyed my hair, cut it, and been drunk ever since the official breakup. i want piercings now, and tattoos that i hadn't thought too much about previously. i just want to do what i want, when i want it ... but it creates this warped alter reality. everything is untouchable. nothing is easy. and no one can see through it all. I'm just kinda surviving, it seems. no backbone, no any bones. maybe just liquid. maybe just air.

This phase seemed to have lasted forever before, but looking back it had no real boundaries at its end. it just faded into something more comfortable eventually, and i took no notice of its disappearence. Though how could I not?? its awful! But its marvelous though. its crazy and beautiful to be in the place I am, and i kinda feel sorry for anyone thats never been here!

Thoughts go fuzzy then so does your state of mind.

I like him .... but is it just fuzz? ugh.

Fuzz. its just all fuzz.