arms

I cannot believe how terrible this week has been. Wasn't everything looking up?

Maybe it is loneliness after all. I've tried to imagine myself as this bodiless entity free of needs, leaving only the nasty wants. The takes and take nots: It makes no difference to me, as long as they're mine. Only now, I've been reduced to something much more fleshy. Like a real girl, except without the reason or the like. Is this really what is meant to become of me? Meant to crumble under the first hint of weight?

Oh fuck. I hate this. I'm constantly trying to run away and i wish I actually had the balls to do it. He's not enough to make me want to stay. And who am I kidding, he never was. There's no one. And for some time, i thought I could be ok with that. I have been happy ... or something like it? I've felt it. it must have been real .... fuck. fuck.

I'm afraid of everything. and nothing. I feel i can brave the worst, but only to fall to the good parts. The promise of let down.

I need. I do. I'm made of these things.
I just don't know how to limit myself. to sort through the things that are actually needed.

FUCK IM SO BACKWARDS