Temporary nests

mine, still here. green and empty.
his, on a big wide open plane. so far away. in sight and mind.

and he said to wait. so i do.

the geese think its spring, and i wish i could.

That water droplet looks like a spider

Dirty, dirty dishes in this filthy sink.
filthy kitchen, even candle smoke gives off stink like mold.
floors scuffed and caked in mud. shitty paint job splattered with flecks of grease and other indeterminable slop.
the fridge, once burned by the stove hums loud like a lazy sunday hangover. like a train just keeps rattling by and the dumb fuck is tripping over the tracks.

And here I am, not quite as hungover as I'd like; The previous night is far too clear and my head runs too smooth for my taste. When I drink, I like to make an event of it. Blow my own mind, later forget the whole shebang ... no, not enough to drink last night. Or maybe I'm just becoming immune to the stuff.

soap and scrub. soak the tub.
last nights leftovers. ashes to ashes, crust to crust.
My savior the scrub brush brings a fiery sermon to the sins of pots and pans!

Just now, I remember taking a shower after stumbling into the house in my spike high heels, sparkly shit. hair in sloppy curls. I was sticky, yelling something I'll never remember and swimming in the steam.

Back to the sink, maybe I am hungover. Maybe I just want some juice. Maybe I wish it wasn't so cold out today. Maybe I won't open my eyes for the rest of the day. Maybe I won't.

But now, of all gracious things, I am directed to a trickling down the silver, creeping towards the drain.
My mind must be a little jostled, or my eyes want games to play.
What appears to be a spider drips down alone the sink, twisting inside a little drop of dew.
Has he dripped from the faucet? Water spider? Spider water?
Mixing its legs in a fluid sort of way. Such a precious little creature becoming that little liquid globe.

Yet, I feel so sad for this thing, that may or may not actually be a spider.
It feels more beautiful to think of it as a spider crippling inside a drop of rain.
But maybe he is happy. That he drowns in such a beautiful way.

A little way left to the drain and then he is gone.
Oh, little spider droplet.
I miss you.

material traces now gone, and so goes the spirit.

Ive finally reached the conclusion that i am being erased from existence.
picked out of my element and dropped off into mist.
all my belongings, all slowly creeping down through cracks,
sucked under the rug, greedily gobbled up by the cat.
Buried deep in the covers, mistakenly cooked up on the stove.
Twisted up in bags of garbage, disintegrated like tissues with the clothes.

songs floated in the wind, then breathed up someone elses nose.
home jingled haughtily beneath a tire, then was rubbed into the road.
letters rummaged round the table, climbed into a cup to drown
spilled the glass on the lamp's wire, and in darkness i am now.
spectacles id like to find, but where, God, do they lay?
from kingdom come, thy will be done. They're left out in the rain.

of all the things ive failed to keep, my spirit ive failed more
by imagined death, with recompense of lies, lips, liquor.
quiet now, im resting now. my heart im left to keep
or should i say, ive kept til now with hopes of help to sleep.
and though i lay, my barren room, my pockets sore and lean.
i shut my eyes and leave this place to suffer by my dreams.

I am paving hell with energy

Its been a strange week, of course, but I only mean by my dreams. They churn up my day and by the end of it a warm glass of thick remorse is the only way I can get to sleep.

One night- My brother is killing my family. We are in our old house, back to the swing set, the drug dealer neighbors, the bamboo forest feelings that make up my memories of my childhood home. The glossy new floors, the wood paneled wall. The window into the room that glowed so bright with the late afternoon sun. He is hiding, trying to show us his innocence. But who else could it be? Little sister is dead. Who is next?
The time the basement flooded so much that kitty's kibble bowl floated by my thighs submerged in water. I feared of the ghosts the water might release from the crawlspace, swimming in the crust and toys. Hungry for little girls and boys. Wet legs and eyes.
I will never forget this fear.
But the memories are fading. and this one was harder to recover.

Another night, collapsing stairs.
Another night, something beautiful, but ain't that a bitch. I can't remember a single thing.

Another night, sex. I was trying on clothes in my bedroom, not the same room, but the conceived space, although different. More secret and confined. Someone sat stretched on the bed, patiently observing with his eyes but clear tension drove deep into his body, and mine. An innocent thing at first. We even may have agreed that I would change shirts, and then we would continue to go wherever we were going. But I pulled off my top with tantalizingly slow movements, adding unnecessary caresses across my belly, around my bare shoulders. He may have shivered just then. Oh, my heart ... but I advanced. I remember feeling sexy as all hell in dreams, sometimes. My skin feels like sex alone, and now the fact that it was close, warm and available to him egged me on... to turn my neck slow, fingers through my hair, adjusting the only piece of clothing that would turn the moment in a second to a something completely different. I consider the idea, but he shivers again and my skin still feels like sex, why ruin the fun now?
Jeans slide down my thighs, and the room feels warmer. It even feels smaller now, like I am in between his stretched out legs, leaning against his panting chest with the curve of my back, arching so he could reach around my hips to help me out of this denim stop sign. He shivers for the last time. He pulls me around to face him and the dream is over.

The dream is over.
I must say it again.
The dream is over.
so why does my skin still feel like sex. dangerous sex.

Ohhh my dreams. I am not the same person as I used to be.

the internet

let me begin.

I am drunk beyond any comparision you can make.
I am drunk.
I suppose youre right. I am a drunk. I care to much. I will never function as a normal person that can live in your world.

I forgot how much it mattered that I have no one to call, except chad at 12 am. Good friend. And Im two shots down into a holeeee, a deep dark hole with no one to accompany me.

I wont frogive you. I forgot, that i am also god, that i will forgive you only as you deserve, and you do not. You are wallowing. And you are lost, and I wil always be lost to help you, if you ever need.

I am not supposed to be someone you meet as a person. Only think of me as a thought. That only comes to be in silent, dark night, surrounded by deeer that arent near ... somewehere in the dark .... tthat wood .... theshrub.

I am NOT going to LOVE YOU FOREVER
. I hate YOU and I don't forgive you. And i CANT WAIT until you're a distant memory in PLACE, that calls itselg FRANCE, butyt its only a DRUNKEN SPELL tha can takeyou seomwhere that makes you feel better for a minute. AND THEN IT TAKES IT BACK becaouse you are nothing but a hole. A DFEEP DARK HOLE full of nothing. and. narrow grief.

you ar enothing to me. and you startedit that way. sincethe very first. day. you met. me.

no handlebars

lets talk about liquid. All of it, any of it.

syruppy sludge, crystal cold.
ice cubes clinking. I want it downdown!.
i want to make liquid nests. sleep and drink, drink and sleep while it goes slipping down my throat with each thirsty snore.

oh shut up. i dont need fluids. I like that name for it better. but.

oh. i dont care. i cant even start this right now. I dont want to get into it, but whats in a name? A blog, i mean? you blog it. you blogggggggggggg you gotta make up the gooood parts cuz the sad parts are prettiest.

Im thinking of fish bowls. no fish, yuck. just a place to stick your head into. fluiddddddsssssss
you cant drown in airrrrrrrr
if you want to drown
you must have LIQUID
FLUIDSFLUIDDDDDSSSSSSSS

and careful now. FUCK FUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKK

I DONT WANT A BLOG I JUST WANT SOMEONE ELSE TO MAKE UP THE GOOD PARTS