I want to die, part 2

I saw him, sideways, across the bar. Bobbling heads and glasses held way up high, clinking and swishing. He saw me through all the faces and my heart got a little bigger, maybe a little more full.

Now, of course I was already quite dissociated from the real world, whatever that means. I saw my glass filled more times than I can count or even try to remember in my kitchen before we arrived. "That's a good sign", I thought. With a long island tea diminishing in hand, I imagined that it must indicate a fast and splotchy future- I imagined the night would become a reel of film. Mixed up in shots and swigs, we would snip up, paste and viola! A string of events reborn into a catastrophe of ideas and visions only slightly resembling the night, which I remind you, was still to come.

But future is as future does. We had not arrived. So I remember, or come back into myself, and I'm standing at the bar again. He stood with me, and we spoke, I suppose. He looked down at me from way up high, with all the glasses going SWISHHHHH in the air around our heads. I think I was smiling, thinking of how to fool away the bad things in my head. I suddenly cannot imagine how people can stand to look on my face without grimacing, feeling sorry. Pity. And I do not want him to look at me anymore, so I turn and go up the stairs.

Sarah is leading Nikki down as Mara and I come up. She had been asked to leave by the bouncer. The stories go something like she was bumping into people too much, but no one can really draw just one conclusion. They had decided to head to Kates but Mara and I still had to finish my Long Island Iced tea. They went on without us while we danced. We've lost Andrew, everyone. Ben will not come with us to Kates. Nikki is gone with the rest: Sarah, Danielle and Natalie. She was lifting up her dress and screaming at the loud cars rumbling by, so they led her down main st, to take her somewhere new.

Mara and I had no way to talk to them, as both of our phones were left behind. I began to wonder if I even really owned anything at all. Anything. Maybe I was glad for a minute when it felt like I didn't, but I honestly don't remember. We check Kates, use the bathroom, poke into homegrown: still not there.

We find them falling and prancing down the sidewalks. Nikki is nearly comatose, Danielle is kicking over trashcans and letting their contents spill out like sloppy porridge onto the street. Mara seemed to think it was a good idea and proceeded to follow her lead.

Red lights, blue lights. The piggy comes round his car and demands that she pick it up. She tries, and I walk over to help her but he stops me and tells me to go away. He speaks with her for a long time, asks her to get in the back of the car. She is smiling, not deterred. Sarah is taking pictures, we take some pictures with a group of people that had seen Nikki get kicked out of Deer Park. The piggy wanted us to stop being so disrespectful, but I honestly didn't care. His little toy car, his little toy gun. Give me a break! I see straight through your tricks!

The night began to slow. It was dropping quickly, drying up, shriveling. I was losing it. I needed the fast, the fury! But it was 2 am, and the bars had closed down. After Mara was released we ate donuts across the street and went to my house again. Arm wrestling, yelling, I finished off the last of Jack's whiskey. Who IS that? That name? Oh more toys, everything turning to toyssss.

With that, I was done for. Blue poured out, sank into my blood, ran through my vains, the vessels, the heart heART. Dowwwwwn goes the girl. Deeeeep down.

Suddenly, words. "You're wasting your lives! Wake up! You're killing yourselves with drinking! GET A LIFE". These were VERY angry words, and Nikki was yelling back. He ran up the stairs again, slammed the door to my room, to his living space, slammed that door too. And all was quiet for the moment. Rude. Biting. UGH. I cannot shake it off, I cannot get over the DOOM in his voice, the truth? The intent to hurt, to not hurt? To make a point, to release??? Ohhh all i hear is doom! and we discuss it while Danielle staples her phone to my floor.

I wake this morning, spirit crippled. Chest sore with heavy breathing in the night. The window is dark with rain storms and blowing tree branches and I want to get up, to thrive. But there is not one reason I can think of to do it, to make it seem meaningful.

I learn all the time. I keep learning and feeling and receiving.
Input too much.
Overload.
Overload.
Information, overload.

GIVE ME ROOM TO THINK