its better now.

he wasn't in love because of the situation. not because he didn't like me. he even said i didn't do anything wrong, and that he still loved me ... we just can't be together.

and i've been thinking that this is what we both needed. i need to be more independent, more sure of my self. and i was never going to accomplish these things without this. i'm too young to be tied down, afraid to part with him. and i even said it wouldn't bother me to be apart from him as long as he still wanted to be with me someday, but god i know thats bullshit.

i need to figure out what the hell im in the long run for ... and i cant hide behind anyone anymore.
and it hurts really bad to think about how hard its going to get to a point where i feel good about it.

but i need to.

we're keeping our options open. we're going to be friends someday soon, and we might even date other people. he might go to china for a year. go far away from me. i might move to the city, we might go in completely opposite directions.

but we agreed to not forget that we once were very happy together, and that maybe (really, just only maybe) after we get this shit figured out, we can be happy again. months, years. who knows. im really scared to think about it now, but im going to live for quite some time after the hurt stops. and only one small piece of my life has passes thus far. there are bigger fish to fry, and i'm not going to rush being in a deeply loving, real, and permenant companionship/relationship until i get myself inorder.

only time will tell what becomes of Jack and I.
but for now, im going to do what i want and can because i can do it. because i know i can, and i will.
he will be with me always. as someone who means a lot to me, whether we are in love, or just very good friends.

he is the best thing that could have ever happened to me. he pushed me, challenged and taught me, then he let me go. because he cared about me, and didnt want me to give up anything for a reltationship that wasn't making either of us happy anymore.

i thank him in ways. and one day, i'll look back at this and thank him in many more.


so my working conclusion is that i will be fine. i will come out as a better girl, and maybe he'll come out a better boy. and we'll both see how good we've become, and this will all be worth it.

but even if we never get back together, I will be ok. I will not be lonely forever.
and hey, I already got asked out on a date by a complete stranger today, so i guess i dont have to worry :)

this is not going to kill me.